Well, it looks like the economy took a big fat steaming shit, and Mr. Madoff made off with a bunch of dumb motherfuckers’ money. I can’t tell who’s crying harder – the homeowners who triple-mortgaged their homes, thinking it was just a bunch of free money, and who are now getting foreclosed on; or the banks that lent these retards the money and are just figuring out that they ain’t getting paid back.
What a bunch of dipshits.
Even the state of California (along with many other state and local governments) is jumping into the shithole – a result of decades of buck-passing politicians, too afraid to remind the voters that what we call “civilization” is essentially just a set of services that must be paid for through taxation. But why confront the ugly, vote-losing truth, when you can crank up an already-huge deficit?
Yes, the vultures have come home to roost, and you sheep deserve to be fleeced. All you suckers are going hungry, and the more cheeseburgers you guys stuff in your piehole, the fatter people like me and Mr. Madoff get.
I’m lovin’ it.
Who said there wasn’t such thing as a free lunch? There is if you’re a tapeworm.
Sure, every once in a while, you get shat out, but that’s just part of the game. And trust me, it won’t be long before some dog comes along and scarfs up that turd and you’re back in business.
However, if someone offers you a free lunch, that free lunch is inevitably going to be eaten by him and paid for by you. If someone tells you about a way to get rich, you can be sure their scheme involves taking your money and keeping it for themselves.
That’s real talk.
To that end, allow me to teach you the Three Rules of Tapeworm Economics, so you can learn to be the victor instead of the victim, and your financial picture will no longer resemble the massive defecation that it does today.¹

Rule One: Have Lots of Money, Even If You Don’t Have Any Money. The reason for this is because if you have no money, and someone is offering to give you a little money now (c.f. the proliferation of payday loan joints), that person is doing it so they can take all your money later. They can do this, because you’re stupid – if you weren’t stupid, you’d have money – and stupid people always get ripped off. On the other hand, if you have lots of money, even (or especially) if you are really in massive debt, you get to keep most of that money. The reason for this is The Gravitational Law of Economics, which says that money attracts money proportionally to the amount of money, irrelevant to the positive or negative “charge” of that money.

Rule Two: Just Because You Have Money to Spend, Doesn’t Mean You Have Money. At first this might seem to contradict Rule One, but it’s actually just the flipside of the coin. Think of the difference this way: if you’re borrowing against your house or running up your credit card to buy a bunch of crap, then you don’t have any money and you’re fucked; if you’re borrowing money to buy a house so you can spend what’s in your bank account on a sex vacation with your buddy, Rush Limbaugh, then this rule doesn’t apply to you. That’s obvious enough – but where people tend to get into trouble is when they forget to apply this rule to their customers. They fleece the suckers, but instead of calling it a day, they try to build an empire of yarn. In other words, if you convince a bunch of pretentious fools to shell out $4 for a crappy latte, go you. If you put that money into building a zillion new stores, thinking that those suckers aren’t ever going to run out of money, then you’re just as stupid as they are. Which leads us to …

Rule Three: Take the Money and Run. This is less a Rule, and more a general principal that follows from Rules One and Two, so if you ever find yourself confused as to the application of the first two Rules, remember this baby and everything will work out just fine. I think it’s pretty obvious why: if you’re going to scam people, spend the money (preferably on luxuries and/or giant piles of cocaine) right away. That way it can’t be taken back if you get sued or run out of credit or anything nasty like that. And speaking of those things, if you’re going to fail, fail spectacularly and make sure you take as many people down with you as you can, and most. Remember, it’s just as important to be first in failure as in success.

Hopefully, by following these simple rules, you can end up on top when the entire Federal Government goes Fannie Mae some time around 2016.
P.S. I’ve got a bunch of peanut butter and some Chinese milk I’m selling on the cheap.
You interested?

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1. I think I saw your stock portfolio on ratemypoo.com.