Due to circumstances that are interesting,
but too complex to explain here, my evil twin, Krak Galaktik is the owner of a small army of undead hookers that – with enough cheap perfume – can pass for living. As a result of this (and another interesting but too complex story), we are able to bring to you our review of next summer’s top selling blockbuster.
Edging out by a few million dollars – yes, this is decided in advance, too – the live action Superfriends movie, Friends Forever, and the inexplicably continually popular Another Scary Teen Summer Movie VXI, (despite ASTSMVXI’s record 8 girls-with-hairy-armpits-jokes, 13 fart-in-the-hottub jokes, 5 dog-poop jokes, and a cameo by Brittney Spears who everyone keeps mistaking for Courtney Love), will be the heartwarming Cobb Dogg, the story of a pug named after baseball legend Ty Cobb, whose owner (played by Eddie Murphy in a fat suit) is convinced he can train the hound to hit, despite the discouragement of his wisecracking ghetto mother (played by Eddie Murphy in a fat suit).
The movie unfolds like any blockbuster should: exactly as expected. I was hoping that the love interest would also be played by Eddie Murphy in a fat suit, but it was some hot chick whose name I forget, because  Krak Galaktik, was huffing gasoline during the showing, and had become convinced he was covered with snakes, and I was forced to spend the middle half of the film beating them off of him with a leaf rake. (I mean, I knew he was just hallucinating, of course, but I had to take advantage of the chance to beat my evil twin with a leaf rake.)
The best part of the movie was a cameo by Billy Bob Thornton as an evil steroid pusher, whose efforts aree defeated by what amounts to a ten-minute Just Say No commercial delivered by Eddie Murphy in a fat suit and the charming Cobb Dogg.
A nice subplot involves the shady dealings and star buying of the first European expansion team, the evil London Lords, who are defeated in the World Series with an 0-3 comeback by homer hittin’ Cobb Dogg’s Mets. (Chosen, I assume to avoid any Yankees/Redsox fallout – but why not the LA Dodgers?)
The scenes leading up to the final game, showing the streets of the Rotten Apple filled with ballers, thugs and G’s wearing Mets hats with their chains, grills and baggy clothing were so abnormal and grating to the senses that my date actually gnawed off her own pinkie and part of her ring finger, forcing me to hit Krak in the face with the handle of the rake for foisting this awful pile of shit upon us.
Krak whipped out a butterfly knife and threatened to slit me from sternum to duodenum, but I told him I’d seen a snake crawing out of his hair and onto his face and had to kill it. “Look, you fucker,” I screamed,  you’re bleeding. It must’ve bit you. Hold still. You’re going to die if you don’t get the antidote within three minutes!”
I ran to my twin’s room, grabbed the biggest syringe he had, filled it up with a mixture of every drug  in his stash, including some high powered DMT, then rushed back into the screening room and jabbed that shit right in Krak’s neck, just as the fireworks for Cobb Dogg’s Series winning homer went off.
Krak instantly turned into the Tasmanian Devil and zipped off to god-knows where. Me, I only made it to third base, becuase my date kept complaining that she needed stitches. And now my twin brother’s been missing for almost a week.
I’m going to give him a couple more days, and then I’m taking his stuff. He’s got an ashtray made out of a panda skull that I want.                           Ω