Throughout the ages, man has sought to understand himself and his place in the universe through various mini-quizzes. On topics as varied as “What Is Your Love-Making Style?” to “Which Disney Heroine Are You Most Like?” it is a quiz we turn to for answers. With this rich history in mind, Vex duly presents the quiz to end all quizzes.

1. Which do you fear more: snakes or spiders? a)Snakes, b)Spiders, c)I fear them both equally, or I do not especially fear either.
2. Which do you like more? a)Flowers, b)Trees.
3. Would you rather be? a)Chained to a post and unable to move from a 50 yard radius for all eternity, b)Able to move freely, but be invisible and unable to communicate in any way.
4. Is God? a)In the process of creating God, b)Not important, c)More accurately conceived of as a frequency than as a “being”, d)Liable to the same follies as mortals, e)Like a Santa Claus for adults, f)Existant but possessing of no qualities.
5. Are you more prone to? a)Diarrhea, b)Constipation.
6. Which do you consider the truer hallmark of a life well-lived? a)Attainment of profound self-conceptualization, b)Hard work and benevolent children.
7. Are squirrels similar to pigeons? a)No, b)Yes.
8. What color is closest to the one you associate with the numeral 8? a)Magenta, b)Periwinkle, c)Ochre.
9. Insects evolved long before the dinosaurs. Do they have souls? a)Yes, b)No.
10. Imagine that each planet in the solar system corresponds to a specific organ of the body¹. Is the planet that corresponds to the heart? a)One of the inner planets (Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars), b)One of gas giants (Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune).
11. Is saving the Blue Whale from extinction of a morally higher value than saving a species of slug that lives only on Madagascar? a)Yes, b)No.

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1. Pluto is no longer considered a planet; please do not assign an organ to it.

To determine your Meta-Spiritual Orientation, consult the table above. Starting on the shaded square, move the indicated number of spaces, according to your selected answer.

1. a)U1L1 b)U1R1 c)D1 2. a)R1 b)L1 3. a)R1U1 b)L1D1 4. This question is special, please skip it for now. 5. a)L1 b)R1 6. a)R1 b)L1 7. a)R1D1 b)L1U1 8. a)U1 b)D1R1 c)D1L1 9. a)D2 b)U1 10. a)L1 b)R1 11. a)U1 b)D1

Now, look at the symbol in the square you are on and find it on the chart below. This is the column you will use, along with your answer to Question 4 to determine the final number of spaces to move. The symbol you land on tells you your Meta-Spiritual Orientation.

Meta-Spiritual Orientation
☼ Astro-Horticulturalist
◙ Hypermodern Exopagan
□ Incendental Pragmatist
▲ Teleological Mesognostic
○ Transnihilic Zen Heretic
● Prototheist

Note that the results of this quiz are not merely descriptive, but also prescriptive: they indicate the path that your soul strives for. If the description does not seem to fit, it is likely an indication that you are out of tune with your spiritual side, and you should fix this issue if you would like your life not to suck so hard.

☼ Astro-Horticulturalist. In a sense, the Astro-Horticulturalist is a Transcendentalist who denies that anything needs transcending. To the Astro-Horticulturalist, the poet William Blake’s notion of “see[ing] the world in a grain of sand, and [...] heaven in a wild flower,” is an insult to the grain of sand and to the wild flower.

◙ Hypermodern Exopagan. To the Hypermodern Exopagan, Beauty and Truth are in all things alike. He may consecrate a mountain stream with the can that once held the Budweiser he enjoyed on its banks. Or he may use a lost hubcap to represent the Sun in his shrine to the luminescent triumvirate of Sun, Moon, and Lightbulb.

□ Incendental Pragmatist. The Incendental Pragmatist can best be thought of as a practitioner of the philosophy of philosophy. She believes that the correct action in any situation can be determined by asking, “what is the correct action in this situation?” The notion of whether there is some form of Higher Truth is not relevant to the Incendental Pragmatist, because she does not accept the validity of notions such as “Higher” and “Truth.”

▲ Teleological Mesognostic. To the Teleological Mesognostic, the Deity is omnipotent and omniscient, but maintains a polite distance from his creation. For the Teleological Mesognostic, the question is not, “what would Jesus do?” but rather “what would I do if Jesus were coming for supper?” He prays to God about his sick aunt in Toledo and about the way his son dresses lately, but understands if his prayers remain unanswered, because lord knows he’s overworked himself, and he can only imagine how much God’s got on His plate.

○ Transnihilic Zen Heretic. The most cryptic and paradoxical of the Meta-Spiritual Orientations, the Transnihilic Zen Heretic always acts in opposition to her beliefs. She denies that there are any meaningful questions, yet holds that the only meaningful act is the act of questioning. The Zen master Lin-chi said to kill the Buddha. The Transnihilic Zen Heretic attempts to get the Buddha to kill her.

● Prototheist. The Prototheist answers the paradox presented by an all-powerful God and the existence of evil by deducing that evil must therefore not exist. Since there is evil in the world, the world must not exist. To the Prototheist, God is eternally in the act of Creation, and what we view as reality is nothing but monstrous dreams within the sleep of reason – what Genesis calls “the darkness over the face of deep” – and what we view as moral dilemma is God in the process of separating the darkness from the light.