1. J. Arthur Touchechilde. His investigations into the rotations of the humors helped cure an epidemic of Chuck Noris jokes that had stricken provincial France unfunny.

2. Baltimore Sweatson. A watchmaker and pioneer industrialist, Sweatson is credited with – amongst other things – being the inventor of the first functional penis pump and the “singing” vibrator.

3. Ugo Gigante. Though most of his works have been lost, he was known to have gotten a ridiculous amount of pussy.

4. Alextaire Hurtnutt. His reflections on the “tender and mild” nature of the Baby Jesus led to a recipe for babyback ribs that were also tender and mild.

5. Heracliterus Speculum. While comprehensible only to the elite few, Speculum’s treacticus regarding the universe as a divine uterus with the demiurge as a highly sensitive clitoris influenced many hermetic and gnostic groups, who had previously only been concerned with their own orgasm.