The other day, I was talking with my evil twin, Krak Galaktik, about the scourge of insipid, pathetic advice columnists plaguing the nation’s publications. I bet him five bucks that he couldn’t find a worse person to give sex and dating tips than “Date Girl” if he tried.
The next morning, when I showed up to my office, I found a cadaver sitting on my chair. Krak had bribed his buddy at the city morgue with a twenty dollar Olive Garden gift card to let him have one of the unidentified stiffs.
Thanks for stinking up my office with that carcass. And pay me my five dollars already.

Dear Cadaver: I have a problem. I am fed up, sick, disgusted with all these perverts running around, forcing their unholy lifestyles on our children, and more or less turning this once proud nation into a new Sodom and Gomorrah. The other day I found out that some people actually get their kinks by urinating on each other. Of all the vile, uncleanly acts! Could you imagine Jesus urinating into the mouth of a trashy schoolgirl wearing too much makeup, an indecently short skirt, and one of those pedophilia-inspiring “babydoll” T-shirts featuring that archetype of abhorrent sexuality, “Hello Kitty?”
My dilemma is that I want to express my outrage in some way other than my usual tirades on call-in radio. Obviously the most salient way to express one’s loathing for something – whether it be Osama bin Laden, Chevrolets, or one’s ex-spouse – is to obtain a bumpersticker featuring that rapscallion “Calvin” of “Calvin & Hobbes” urinating on the object of one’s ire. But when it comes to urophilia, there seems to be some sort of problem that I can’t quite put my finger on…
Pissed Off in a Red State
Cadaver responds:

Dear Cadaver: I love my wife. I really do. She has always been there for me emotionally, she takes care of the bills and the cleaning and the groceries, etc. Frankly, I don’t think I could survive without her. However, when it comes to sex, that bitch is fucking frigid. She won’t even let me throat fuck her! For a while, I solved this problem by getting the occasional blowjob from the call girls in the back of the local alt weekly.
Unfortunately, after the whole Monica Lewinski debacle, I learned that oral counts as sex, and as a result, I’ve been sexually frustrated for the past several years now. My question is, where do you draw the line. If a blowjob counts as sex, does a handjob? What if she doesn’t actually touch your dick, and you just beat off into her mouth or her hair? What about looking at internet porn? Surely that can’t count, can it? What about cybersex? Or phone sex? Help!
“Frank”
Cadaver responds:

Dear Cadaver: Why do my eggs keep bleeding?? Every time I try to make an omelette or fry one up, I get sprayed with all this blood when I crack the shell.
Cadaver responds: Ha ha ha.