In Vex’s continual search for a worthy advice columnist, we’ve decided to go to you, the reader, to help us decide. Thus we present: Iron Idol of Advice. Think of it as Reality TV without the TV. This issue’s contestants are Chuck Wilde, who started talking to us on the bus about beer or bees, we weren’t sure which, and he may not have been either; and on the right, Funcle Stewey, who’s Sir Vex’s uncle, even though he’s just a little kid. But he claims to know everything there is to know about sex, so I figured I’d give him a shot.

Dear Iron Idol: I don’t understand how the gays can take it up the butt all day long. Wouldn’t it just feel like you were taking a dump over and over again? On the other hand – man, it sure feels good to poop. Does this mean I’m gay?

Chuck: Well, that is a highly perspicuous question of a nature that requests the facts of the matter be fully solucidated, as to which I would like to say that I know what it is like to poop over and over again, because one time I ate a corn enchilada and some food, thus causing a bad episode with Montezoomer’s Reruns of great constentation to the health of my defecutations.

Thankfully, you’ll know that my poop is back to its usual self, and of a quite regular constituency, thanks to the highly fibrous nature of the Clusterfux cereal of which I make my breakfast, and which if you are possessed of a highly inquisitive mind such as is the case with mine, you will wonder that since a turd is known as a loaf, has anyone ever put one in the oven and tried to bake a bread?

This would be a highly unusual bread, and the answer is yes, because I have pertained such a very experiment. Unfortunately, the results of said experiment were of a highly poor nature, and if you are familiar with the expression, “a steaming pile of shit,” then you will have some idea as to the experience of my results.

In short, to make a long story, that is the explication to your query in a nutshell.

Stewey: First of all, I’d be less worried about passing the deuce, and more concerned with the anonymous male you met on craigs-list, who you teabag each day of the week, and who is assuredly either a Republican Senator or a TV Evangelist.
Now, instead of that nonsense, let me explain to you how to get the pussy, since I am somewhat an expert on this genre.

First of all, you need to have game, which does not involve playing with GI Joe dolls every hour of your life, like certain of my friends do. (Eric.) To have game, you sidle up to a bitch and ask her what she sippin’ on. Then you get her drunk on Mickey’s Ice and tell her to shut the fuck up so you can massage her tonsils with your pocket hobbit.

What I like to do is really give a bitch the Texas Shocka a lot of the time, and then – when she least expects it: the Dirty Sanchez! This is my patented move, which I call “Make a Run for the Border,” and I ensure that I scream, “Remember the Alamo!” each and every time that I perform it.

Now hopefully you will use this advice to really hoard the pussy, and not be a member of the homosexual species like Mr. Earl Gray up there, or a lame drip like Eric.